It’s not too late to get some of the best candidates to throw their bonnets and hats into the ring against Obama in 2012. The Razor believes new blood is needed in the next campaign, that is if Republicans are really committed to defeating the leftist coup now operating out of the West Wing. We believe that California offers a ticket that can’t be beat. To head the ticket, Barbara Wolcott should run for President of the United States in 2012. Wolcott wrote a book (“Small Town Perfect Storm: The Los Osos Sewer Saga”) that was so objective and amazingly accurate, she simply must run for President. Assemblyman Sam Blakeslee would make a terrific vice presidential candidate or a candidate for any office that has the word “vice” in it. Blakeslee has achieved icon status on the Central Coast for making it a law that 4,500+ homes in Los Osos’ so-called “Prohibition Zone” are polluting and need to pay for a $200 million sewer. His “Money Is Green” job initiative to levy new “green” energy taxes on homeowners is another example of his altruism.
Here are the Wolcott-Blakeslee positions on the key issues in a nutshell.
Abortion: We only support it if the fetus being aborted has a great likelihood of becoming an anti-sewer activist.
Budget and Economy: Maria Kelly will figure it out somehow. We’ll get right back to ya!
Civil Rights: We’re civil. Why would people need rights for that?
Corporations: We like them when they give us money.
Crime: Lisa Schicker did it.
Drugs: Evict the riff-raff. Problem solved. Now where’s my martini?
Education: One plus one equals something, right?
Energy: Invest in sewer-powered alternative energy. Not only will we be full of shit, but cars, homes and businesses will be too!
Environment: Obstructionist predator control is important. We suggest shooting them with rifles from helicopters.
Families & Children: Anti-sewer families and children must be treated as people with special needs.
Foreign Policy: Any countries that are on septics, vacuum systems, ponds or on STEP/STEG are part of the Axis of Evil. We must liberate those nations from the anti-sewer terrorists, install gravity systems, and then we will certainly have no exit strategy.
Free Trade: Allow water to be imported in jugs and sent to homes via FedEx.
Government Reform: See our positions on the Environment. There would be less public comment that way.
Gun Control: We support the Constitutional right to bear arms. The post-recall board makes great target practice.
Healthcare: If the babies are blue, then it’s good for you.
Homeland Security: Focus on fighting the anti-sewer people, not Al-Qaeda.
Immigration: If Alon Perlman can sneak into our country, anyone can.
Jobs: We are currently looking for strong, able individuals who can shine our shoes, flip our burgers and warm our towels. If you qualify, we will give you $7.50/hour in Monopoly money.
Principles and Values: We agree that high school principals are very valuable. Every high school needs one.
Tax Reform: Do we need a 218 for that?
Technology: We wholeheartedly endorse the Internet as a means of anonymously skewering private and public citizens for disagreeing with us. We believe in transparency.
With a platform like that, it’s one and out for Obama in 2012! Don’t you agree?
